


They All Laughed

by TheSubtextMachine



Category: Glee
Genre: Drabble, M/M, Not Blaine or Klaine Friendly, Other characters mentioned - Freeform, Sebastian Smythe But Stand Up Comedian Edition, Stand Up Comedy, Tumblr Prompt, a bit of an experimental style of storytelling mayhaps, silly business
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:08:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26489923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSubtextMachine/pseuds/TheSubtextMachine
Summary: yay! im glad you’re still accepting prompts: there’s a 5 year glee reunion and Blaine is really excited about it because he has a ~plan~ to get Kurt back, only to be shocked when Kurt and Sebastian show up, engaged.-prompt on tumblr, and long story short? sebastian has a funny story to tell on stage. genuinely just a cute silly drabble.
Relationships: Kurt Hummel/Sebastian Smythe
Comments: 17
Kudos: 280





	They All Laughed

**Author's Note:**

> thank you thank you thank you alphabees for being a homie above them all and beta-ing this lil mess. 10/10 we love to see it.

“You know those things that happen to you, and you totally forget about them and go swimming along in your life like it’s nothing, but then you see something totally random and remember?” Sebastian asks the crowd, holding the mic in one hand and the other resting on the top of its stand as he looks out to the crowd, even if the lights in his eyes blots all their faces out. 

He takes a pause, before continuing. “Because every time that I see mozzarella sticks I think about that time that I showed up at a high school reunion with my fiance and his ex tried to get him back via serenade in front of me, and it’s kind of becoming a problem.”

There’s a ripple of laughter among the audience, nothing befitting a punchline of any sort, but enough to remind Sebastian that even if he couldn’t see them, they were still there.

“Because nearly everyone involved in this story is verified on Twitter now, I’m just going to call everyone by a pseudonym. I’ve already talked plenty about me and my fiance, and so we walk into this thing, and my fiance’s ex is a very successful musician-slash-actor named, um, Aine Blanderson. Right?”

There’s a smattering of claps throughout the audience in recognition of the big name, and Sebastian scrunches his nose. “I’m gonna warn everyone, I’m not a fan. I’m neutral on the music, but trying to steal my fiance wasn’t a good move. If Aine Blanderson was a restaurant, my Yelp review would be scathing. Subject line: tried to steal my fiance. Body text: I did flirt with him in high school and try to steal him from his new boyfriend, who I’m now married to-”

Applause cuts him off, and Sebastian smiles. He uses the chance to take a sip of water off the glass on the stool, and then continues his tirade.

“And I feel like trying to snag a fiance is just bad service, right? Am I wrong? Is that just what waiters do at Chili’s now to show you that they care? Anyway- so, my review of Aine Blanderson as a restaurant- I met this guy, and flirted with him relentlessly, in high school. And 5 or so years later, here I am, a comedian who’s dating Aine Blanderson’s ex. That’s the backstory to this whole thing. And my then-fiance, Kurt, he has this little high school reunion with all of his show choir friends, and I’m invited, because everyone got a plus one.

“And the night before, Kurt warns me. He sits me down, and says ‘Hey, Sebastian, here’s the thing. Everyone here has dated everyone, so my ex will be at this party, this reunion that we’re going to, and I just want to make sure that you’re aware of the risks associated with that.’ And my response? Word for word, totally unironically? ‘What could go wrong’.”

The audience laughs at that, especially at Sebastian’s face, seemingly wowed by his own innocence into what drama high school friends are capable of. This was always one of his favorite parts of standup, the interaction with the audience, the feeding off of each other. He brings the mic up to his lips again, smiling. “I’m going to be real here. If at any point the sentence ‘what could go wrong?’ comes up? You’re in irreversibly deep shit. I’ve never been in a situation in which somebody said that, and then the absolute worst case scenario _didn’t_ happen.”

Some laughter, he makes a mental note to work on that joke, and plows on.

“I feel the urge to make clear to you how crazy my husband’s high school friends are. Between them, they have, like, three Ivy League degrees, like I said, more than half of them are verified on Twitter, most of them married each other, approximately two Tonys, one Oscar, one Emmy, and about four Grammys. This is the most hyper-competent high school reunion I’ve ever been to. It’s also the first high school reunion I’ve ever been to. Also the last, because I think I peaked,” says Sebastian. He’s pretty sure most of the audience would be able to deduce the celebrities he’s aggressively refusing to namedrop, so he just prays it’s not going to end up being the big focus of the story.

“Was Mercedes Jones there?” shouts an audience member.

“No, but Jercedes Mones was there. Mercedes Jones’ lawyer hasn’t returned my calls yet,” quipped Sebastian, wondering if he should incorporate that into a later edition of the set. “Anyway, we get there, and we go to the choir room where they had their little ‘Future Verified Twitter People’ club. And I walk in, not holding hands with Kurt, because he doesn’t want to cause a stir, since I was their Public Enemy Number One in high school for being stupid and mean and conducting very elaborate show choir espionage, which… is honestly one of the better reasons to be hated in high school, I think.

“And straight up? Easily the most niche high school reunion I’ve ever been to. So many hyper-specific inside jokes. A girl who’s now the CEO of a piano empire ordered, like, a shit ton of food from the local restaurant where half of that town has their first date, so everyone is sitting around, singing songs from when they were teens, and then Aine Blanderson walks in, right?”

There’s another smattering of applause. Sebastian prays that he doesn’t alienate the fans in the audience, and plows on. 

“And right off the bat, I can sense trouble, because he’s sizing me up. He’s giving me the look, like unsexy elevator eyes. He’s clocking every single bad thing about me, right? And we hadn’t announced our engagement yet, so as far as Aine thinks, I’m just a serious boyfriend, and he’s looking at me like he has this list going in my head of how bad I’ve aged. I can see him, in real time, debating whether if he brings it up, my uneven kneecaps would be a dealbreaker for Kurt. Jokes on him, because it’s not. We worked through that in the first week, so… take that, Grammy Winner Aine Blanderson.”

Sebastian makes a show of looking down at his knees, as if to check if they could really be a deal breaker, before looking back up. “So Piano CEO has these _buckets_ of mozzarella sticks, because it’s Ohio, so of course… and everyone is seated. And because it’s a high school reunion of a show choir, they decide that we are going to sing some throwbacks, so I’m getting ready to sing some Jackson 5 because my old show choir rolled like that, and then Aine Blanderson stands up and says ‘guys, can I go first? This one is kind of big.”

There’s some laughter at Sebastian’s impression, and he takes a long sip.

“So this man… this man stands up, turns to the piano player, who’s not the Piano CEO, but this geriatric guy who they never spoke directly to but was named Brad _and_ was specially released from his retirement home for this occasion, and Aine says ‘hit it, Brad’. And I’m going to be real with you guys… I was so overwhelmed with the realization that this guy was named Brad on top of my intense disgust at what can only be described as Bucket Mozzarella, that it took me a fat minute to realize that _Grammy Award winning Aine Blanderson_ is singing, I shit you not, ‘You Belong With Me’. By Taylor Swift.”

Sebastian can hear a soft gasp among some of the audience, but by and large, they seem unimpressed by the severity of this come-on. He has yet to wow the majority, so he doubles down.

“And when I say that it’s surreal when you’re gagging on a rancid mozzarella stick, and- I cannot stress this part enough- Grammy Award Winning Aine Blanderson points at you and sings ‘he wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts’... it’s _surreal_. Because I very notably… don’t wear short skirts. And I am not a cheerleader… and, to be fair, I’d look awesome in a short skirt, if not for those inconveniently uneven kneecaps.

“Basically, not a single word of the song applies to us. Kurt was not, is not, and likely will never ‘walk down the street wearing those worn out jeans’. So… consider your facts checked there,” Sebastian mimes pushing glasses up his nose, 80’s movie nerd style, before continuing.

“So here’s the thing… I do understand the appeal, on an objective level. I did spend a weird amount of my junior year hitting on Bl- on Aine Blanderson like it was a full time job. It was part of the next level show choir espionage. Basically, I wouldn’t blame Kurt for being tempted at the very least, but I turn to him, and he looks _horrified_. He has the whole Victorian ghost thing working for him already, but if you add some good old fashioned righteous disgust? I swear to god, it looked like he was possessed. Ten out of ten, quite the look.

“Add to that the dawning horror of everyone in the choir room, except for Sugar, the piano CEO, because she only understands about one quarter of the social cues thrown at her any given moment, so she’s just jammin’, like…” Sebastian imitates it, the eyes-closed swaying that Sugar was so good at, throwing in a raised hand to add to the effect. This causes a peal of laughter that inspires him to add in the effect of her humming softly along, before breaking out of it and going back into the monologue-zone.

“So then Blaine finishes the song, right? And he looks at us, and then says ‘Kurt, I know you’re with him, but think about it… you and I belong together.”

There’s a moment of palpable tension in the room, and Sebastian lets it sit for a moment, before continuing. “And you know what I say?” Another pause. 

“You’re not even going to let me finish this first?”

He mimes holding up a mozzarella stick as the audience laughs.

“And then I realize that Kurt and I are _engaged_ , so I throw that on, like- hey, also, um… b-t-dubs, Kurt and I are planning a spring wedding. So then Kurt, he’s just-” Sebastian morphs his face in his best ‘shocked and, frankly, _offended_ ’ Victorian ghost look, and nods shakily. “Yeah. What he said.”

The audience laughs again, and Sebastian takes the moment to take a long sip of water. 

“And, here’s the thing, really… the worst part? Right after Aine sat down, there was this long moment of silence. I hear Bachel Rerry mutter ‘congrats’ under her breath, and then, of all fucking people… Sam Evans, yeah, that one- he gave me permission, don’t worry, stands up and says ‘you miss all the shots you don’t take’, and chooses that exact moment to propose to Merce- Fuck, not Mercedes, Jercedes Mones. Yeah, two possible fiancees, I hear it’s a sister-wives situation. That’s a bit, but my god, imagine… Sharing a husband with someone who’s name rhymes with yours…” Sebastian trails off, looking off into the distance, before eyes snapping back to the audience.

“Well, that’s it. Goodnight, folks!” he says, flashing a smile and walking off, enjoying the rumble of applause, even from behind the veil of thick, velvet curtain. 

When he gets backstage, as expected, Kurt’s there, holding a bottle of water and sardonic expression on his face. “I have two notes,” he says, a smile peeking out behind the joking visage.

“Spill, babe,” says Sebastian, taking the bottle of water.

“Number one: Victorian ghost boy? That’s new. Number two: I genuinely don’t care about your kneecaps, I don’t know why you keep bringing them up,” rattles off Kurt, only to be met with a smile.

“When he supports you even with your uneven kneecaps...” muses Sebastian as he takes a long sip of water. “What a couple we make, huh?”

“What a couple indeed.”

**Author's Note:**

> still open for prompts :D


End file.
